Here I Go

I've started studying for comps - my reading list is 15 pages long of books and articles and I have three months. This is going to be occupying about 75% of my life, and I'm anticipating freak-outs at regular intervals along the way. I know I can do this; I just get little pangs of self-doubt and when paired with pathological laziness, this leads to avoidance and anxiety and finally helplessness. But then I just feel stupid for making a big deal out of it and I eventually will pull it off. This is a little different than writing a 30 page paper in two days, though...a new challenge for me to see how little I can study and still pass. and everyone thinks i'm such a good student.

sometimes i think i've gotten really off track with my dissertation topic. i used to be into all of this radical/critical/feminist criminology and feminist jurisprudence stuff and it really rocks my world, but i've found myself focusing on the staid, more traditional types of studies (albeit with a feminist influence). part of it is because i want my dissertation to be easy and straightforward. that other work gets really messy really fast. and i DO want to graduate by age 35 - the looming deadline. but geez, i miss reading all that cool stuff. sometimes i think just for a second it might be nice to go into academia just so i could pursue those tracks---so much i want to do. but then i remember what i really want is to have a nice research job with nonprofits and be left alone. no academic rat-race for moi. but...